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diff --git a/content/entry/coming-out-as-autistic.md b/content/entry/coming-out-as-autistic.md index 893dcec..1b506f0 100644 --- a/content/entry/coming-out-as-autistic.md +++ b/content/entry/coming-out-as-autistic.md @@ -2,7 +2,6 @@ title: "Coming Out as Autistic" date: 2022-05-16T00:00:00 draft: false -makerefs: false --- I've been considering writing about high-functioning autism for months now. I'm not used to sharing much about my life here, but I think what I have to say about autism can do a lot of good. Maybe it can help others be more understanding and empathetic towards autistic people. @@ -253,7 +252,7 @@ When I woke up the next morning, I was still in sensory overload. I hadn't even ### Southern Illinois University Edwardsville Fast forward to university. I got a job at information technology services (ITS) working at the help desk. Since I also studied there, it was very convenient. My duties were to answer phone calls and assist students who showed up in person. Socializing with strangers all day isn't my strong suit. It was very draining and I had to ask for help from coworkers often. I kept being told I would "get the hang of it", but I'm not sure I ever did. So I switched to the ITS team responsible for fixing and maintaining equipment in the labs and classrooms. -If you've been following my journal for a while, you might think I was successful in this role. I quit because it was distracting from my studies and I didn't want to troubleshoot proprietary software any more. In fact I wrote an entire entry about why I quit.[1] I never got fired. But what I didn't mention in that entry is that it's basically impossible to get fired in that position. I knew a guy who refused to do any work during his shift and still didn't get fired. +If you've been following my journal for a while, you might think I was successful in this role. I quit because it was distracting from my studies and I didn't want to troubleshoot proprietary software any more. In fact [I wrote an entire entry about why I quit](/2020/07/02/why-i-left-its/). I never got fired. But what I didn't mention in that entry is that it's basically impossible to get fired in that position. I knew a guy who refused to do any work during his shift and still didn't get fired. When I first started working there, it was obvious that my boss hated me. A coworker even said so. My boss sometimes got very impatient and shouted at me. We miscommunicated constantly. I decided to disclose my autism so he at least understood why we were miscommunicating so much and it turned out to be a wise decision. @@ -275,16 +274,16 @@ So that bothered me a lot. It wasn't just "Oh I dislike some aspect of this job" ### Bus Company After quitting the nursing home, I found a job at a bus company where I was responsible for watching over special needs students of all ages. Socializing with them wasn't too draining since special needs people tend to be more tolerant of differences than neurotypicals. But after months of working there, I still couldn't remember my bus route nor the order the students got on and off the bus nor where each student got dropped off. And the schedule kept changing, so every time I got a new bus driver who didn't know the route, it was a mess. -At first I tried to write down the students' names and the route on paper, but that didn't help me. So I tried using GPS to help new drivers navigate my route, but I was told that being on my phone wasn't allowed. I explained that I avoid using smartphones for things like texting anyways[2], but that didn't seem to matter. I still wasn't allowed to use it. +At first I tried to write down the students' names and the route on paper, but that didn't help me. So I tried using GPS to help new drivers navigate my route, but I was told that being on my phone wasn't allowed. I explained that [I avoid using smartphones for things like texting anyways](/2021/12/26/why-i-dont-have-a-smartphone/), but that didn't seem to matter. I still wasn't allowed to use it. To top it all off, I was very tired every day because of my atypical sleep schedule. Some days I barely held my eyes open. I blame the extreme tiredness for the mistake which got me fired. I think if I'd been well rested, I wouldn't have made that mistake. I could've tried sleeping pills, but they're not intended for long-term use. I've heard that medicinally induced sleep isn't the same as natural sleep anyways. ### Haketilo -A year ago, I made a journal entry thinking about what career I wanted.[3] I imagined my dream career as one where I got paid to write free software. I was lucky enough to stumble upon a software project called Haketilo, which is a browser extension to take back the web. When I initially ran across it, it wasn't funded. I was just interested in it. +A year ago, I made a [journal entry thinking about what career I wanted](/2021/06/16/my-career-path/). I imagined my dream career as one where I got paid to write free software. I was lucky enough to stumble upon a software project called Haketilo, which is a browser extension to take back the web. When I initially ran across it, it wasn't funded. I was just interested in it. -When it got funded by NLnet, it became what I thought was the perfect career opportunity for me: an ethical, socially important, funded software project. Wojciech, lead developer of Haketilo and subject of one of my journal entries[4], was just as fanatical about free software as me. So I didn't even have to worry about the project management tools being proprietary. What a great career opportunity, right? I gave a LibrePlanet presentation about Haketilo[5] and contributed ideas, but I quickly lost motivation. I still don't fully understand why. +When it got funded by NLnet, it became what I thought was the perfect career opportunity for me: an ethical, socially important, funded software project. Wojciech, lead developer of Haketilo and subject of [one of my journal entries](/2021/10/02/struggle-to-graduate-without-nonfree-software/), was just as fanatical about free software as me. So I didn't even have to worry about the project management tools being proprietary. What a great career opportunity, right? I gave a [LibrePlanet presentation about Haketilo](/2022/04/08/taking-back-the-web-with-haketilo/) and contributed ideas, but I quickly lost motivation. I still don't fully understand why. For contrast, I somehow found the motivation to work for months at a bus company where I was sleep deprived, underemployed, anxious about the loud screaming children, and unable to perform basic job duties like road navigation. Yet I couldn't find the motivation to even start on a remote free software job that would help my career and I could work whenever I want. @@ -297,23 +296,13 @@ I know a lot of people right now are probably thinking that I'm wrong and that I I can't understand what others want a lot of the time. I have a hard time remembering verbal instructions. I have trouble abstracting tasks into larger goals. And because of the differences in my brain structure, I'm probably incapable of ever learning those skills to a satisfactory level. -Just because I'm introspective enough to know all this about myself and articulate enough to explain it doesn't mean I have job skills. It took me many years to realize all this and I'm still learning things. There was a time when I didn't even know I was different from others. Every person has different skills and abilities.[6] Being good at one thing doesn't mean you're good at other things. Writing an online journal doesn't mean you can keep a job. +Just because I'm introspective enough to know all this about myself and articulate enough to explain it doesn't mean I have job skills. It took me many years to realize all this and I'm still learning things. There was a time when I didn't even know I was different from others. [Every person has different skills and abilities.](/2020/12/12/the-nonlinearity-of-intelligence/) Being good at one thing doesn't mean you're good at other things. Writing an online journal doesn't mean you can keep a job. At least I'm not alone in my struggle for employment. Only around one in five autistic adults are in any kind of employment. Autism makes it very challenging to get and keep a job. All I can do is try new directions, make more mistakes, and not beat myself up for failing. # Conclusion I think what I wrote here is more than sufficient to give me credibility on the subject of autism. If after reading all this, you're still not convinced I have autism, then nothing will convince you. -In the future, I plan to write more about autism. Since I don't have a formal diagnosis yet, this entry can serve as my supporting evidence that I'm qualified to speak on autism. This is my longest entry yet by far. It took a lot of work, so I'd appreciate feedback and if you want to hear more from me, please subscribe to my Atom feed.[7] +In the future, I plan to write more about autism. Since I don't have a formal diagnosis yet, this entry can serve as my supporting evidence that I'm qualified to speak on autism. This is my longest entry yet by far. It took a lot of work, so I'd appreciate feedback and if you want to hear more from me, please subscribe to [my Atom feed](/atom.xml). Thanks for reading. - - -Link(s): -[1: Why I Left ITS](/2020/07/02/why-i-left-its/) -[2: Why I Don't Have a Smartphone](/2021/12/26/why-i-dont-have-a-smartphone/) -[3: My Career Path](/2021/06/16/my-career-path/) -[4: Struggle to Graduate Without Nonfree Software](/2021/10/02/struggle-to-graduate-without-nonfree-software/) -[5: Taking Back The Web With Haketilo](/2022/04/08/taking-back-the-web-with-haketilo/) -[6: The Nonlinearity of Intelligence](/2020/12/12/the-nonlinearity-of-intelligence/) -[7: Nicksphere Atom Feed](/atom.xml) |