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---
title: "Don't Overthink It"
date: 2025-04-26T00:00:00Z
tags: ['autism']
draft: false
---
Many of us autistics have a habit of overthinking things. When I say overthinking, I'm referring to using thinking as a *substitute* for other things like socializing, feeling, and taking action.
## Socializing
For example, I used to avoid asking questions. Instead, I'd try to figure everything out on my own. If I didn't understand some part of a lecture, I wouldn't raise my hand in class or ask my study group. I'd go back and read the textbook, or research it by myself. If I didn't understand how to do a work task, I'd try to deduce it instead of asking my boss or coworkers.
I think it was partly a masking thing. Sometimes when I ask questions, people tell me nobody else has ever asked them that. Also, I sometimes ask very basic questions whose answers are obvious to neurotypicals from context that I don't pick up on. So to not stand out, I used to avoid asking questions.
Another part was social. Sometimes the person I'm talking to either doesn't have the answer or doesn't understand *why* I'm asking. If they don't know the answer, it can make them feel bad, which isn't my goal. And when they don't understand *why* I'm asking, they provide me with what they think I want to know rather than what I asked for literally.
Despite that, I still regret not asking more questions when I was younger. The best way to get better at asking questions is to ask lots of questions, and realize that it's not always that you asked a bad question. Sometimes the other person's reaction has more to do with them than your question or the way you asked it. So don't do what I did and waste lots of time trying to piece things together on your own when you can just ask.
There are times to use your problem-solving skills to figure something out, and there are times to use your social resources instead. Relying too much on either one isn't good. When you overrely on socialization, it can get annoying and waste other people's time. When you rely too heavily on problem-solving, you're not making an efficient use of your limited time and cognitive resources. The way you find that balance is not by thinking about it, but by asking questions.
## Feeling
Another example is using your problem-solving skills as a substitute for feeling. This is related to [alexithymia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia "Alexithymia"), a phenomenon characterized by difficulties in noticing, sourcing, and expressing emotions. It co-occurs with autism at a higher rate than in the general population, but it's also not uncommon in the general population. To give you a better idea about it, I wrote a few statements that might describe an alexithymic:
* I don't know what I feel
* I can't explain how I feel
* I get happy/sad/angry/[generic emotion] without knowing why
* I (don't) like it when... (using "like" instead of an emotion word)
Alexithymics might do something like create a pros and cons list, assigning points to each item, and calculating the total to decide whether to be with someone *instead of* feeling out the relationship. It's turning an emotional matter into a logical analysis. Another way to think of it is literally using the logical brain for a situation that calls for the emotional brain—you're *thinking* when you should be *feeling*.
Regardless, the reason it's so bad to use the thinking mind instead of the feeling mind is that you never actually process your emotions. They're suppressed, which leads to health problems, directionlessness, and an inability to account for your own actions. E.g:
* I woke up angry. It must be because my roommate didn't do the dishes yesterday
You're not *recalling* what made you angry. You're *deducing* it post hoc, because you don't actually know. Your logical brain and emotional brain aren't communicating properly, so the logical brain fills in the blank the only way it knows how.
This can lead to serious consequences for your relationships. Since you can't identify your feelings or motivations, all you can offer others to account for your behavior are post hoc rationalizations (i.e. guessing). When these guesses contradict each other, or they don't seem to line up with the other things you do, you appear unpredictable and untrustworthy.
Lack of trust quickly erodes relationships. So if I just described you, taking steps to become more familiar with your emotions should be a top priority.
## Taking Action
The last example I want to cover is when people sit around overanalyzing a situation and making no progress. This is called [analysis paralysis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analysis_paralysis "Analysis Paralysis") and I have a good story for this one:
I once met an older autistic man online who, judging by his career history and how good he was at strategy games, certainly had some impressive skills. But he had been out of work for a very long time and was struggling to find employment. What was he doing about that?
Well, he created a very detailed requirements list of what he wanted out of a job. He took into account factors that he thought were preventing him from getting a job. He shared his thoughts on the job hunt process. He talked about potential mental blocks he was facing and the therapies available to overcome them. He received feedback from others, and came up with reasons that the feedback either wouldn't work or didn't apply to him.
In short, he was stuck in analysis paralysis. He was wasting tons of energy *thinking* about how to get his dream job. Now in my experience, it can be useful to take a step back and reconsider the strategy you're using to find a job. What isn't a good use of your time though is spending *all day* considering and reconsidering your options as a substitute for actually doing something.
What became clear to me was that this guy needed to *stop thinking* and *start doing*. Even if you start with a really ineffective strategy for getting a job, you can iterate on it to improve your chances over time. You can apply with different versions of your résumé. You can apply for different positions. You can gain experience interning for a non-profit project. Getting firsthand experience by doing, even if it takes you a long time to refine the process, is more valuable than just aimlessly second-guessing yourself over and over.
## Conclusion
It's important to point out that non-autistic people also suffer from overthinking. Personally though, I've seen it way more in autistics. It's something I can speak to because I've personally battled against it. People still tell me all the time that I overthink, and I know they're not wrong. I just don't always notice when I'm doing it.
So if you know someone who's autistic, or who tends to overthink things, please share this with them. If my experiences with it help even one person, this entry will have been worth it in my book.
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